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How Has Grief Changed You?

Grief is not an easy topic to write about for many obvious reasons but mostly because it's so deeply personal that I feel that by sharing my own experiences I am exposing the very rawest corner of my soul, the part that is covered in scars and afraid of being hurt again. Suffering extreme loss is unfortunately something that most of us will experience and so I also feel a sense of selfishness too when I talk about my own grief; how dare I have the audacity to write about my own woes when so many are going through the same thing? Except there are times when I must write about it because the words and memories are bubbling up within me when I am missing her more than ever. Losing my sister undoubtedly changed who I was and how I viewed the world from the second I let her go. I was suddenly left with an unbearable amount of questions about life that few were able to answer so I was forced to learn on my own, attempting to overcome the emotional roadblocks that would come shattering down at any moment. When we lost Amy the process of saying goodbye to her was like an out of body experience, as if a part of me was watching down and thinking: is this actually happening? I was standing by her hospital bed watching the life slowly slip out of her but my mind felt confused; her hands were warm, her chest was rising, surely she wasn't dying? It was an incomprehensible moment when I was left searching for the final words I wanted to whisper in her ear because words alone weren't enough to encapsulate the love I had for her. How could I articulate how grateful I was to share a wonderful childhood with her? Or how angry I was that I wouldn't have her for the rest of my adult life? Suffering the loss of someone we don't want to live without is an evolving rollercoaster of lessons that can last a lifetime; I continue to learn things about myself because of the grief I carry around in my heart every day. Some lessons can be dark and painful, mostly arriving in the depths of night when I am racked with worry and the grief washes over me in tidal waves. These moments are when I am at my lowest, targeting the weaknesses within me and dredging up the fear I battle to suppress in the light of day. For those that are grieving, bedtime can resemble the nightmares of our childhood and are when we feel most vulnerable because it's when we feel most alone. For me I am not only coping with the loss of Amy but I continue to feel robbed of the life I had before. Family celebrations, dinners and gatherings were never to be the same again and after she passed I was acutely aware that my role in the family had changed too. I am the eldest and I felt more responsible than ever for my youngest sister because I wanted her to still feel like I was going to be enough for her, that we would be OK just the two of us instead of the three we had grown up as. I also put more effort in to making my parents proud because I wanted them to feel like they'd done a good job, that they were still good parents despite everything. While I would give anything to have Amy back, losing her taught me wonderful lessons too. My capacity for love and joy. My sense of adventure in even the simplest of moments. How aware I am when I see something beautiful. I have had to adjust to missing her every day but it has become threaded in to the very fabric of who I am, woven scars covering the cracks. I won't get over the heartbreak but at the very least I can utilise it in some way to make life a little easier to bear. The most significant change of all though has probably been how gentle I am with myself now during moments when my confidence is low. I no longer waste time beating myself down since this doesn't accomplish anything other than helplessness. By practicing self-kindness I am allowing more room in my heart for the good things which is a bittersweet lesson I am very grateful for. Grief has certainly changed me and it will continue to do so as I carry it over life's hurdles but along with grief I will always have Amy. After all, she will always be my little sister and that relationship will never change.

Can you tell me about your own grief experience and how it has changed you? I would love to know x

About Author

I'm Alex, the writer, photographer and creator of The Full Shilling. I started writing as a way to share all my favourite places in Ireland and the list just keeps growing! My aim is that you'll find somewhere new to explore and you'll make some great memories along the way. Happy reading!

9 Comments

  • Sarah Stockley
    6 years ago

    I cannot even begin to imagine losing a sibling. I have two brothers and I know how devastated I would be. You write so beautifully and I am so sorry for your loss. x

  • Alex Donnelly
    6 years ago

    Such a brilliant sentiment to have Clare xx

  • Alex Donnelly
    6 years ago

    Thanks Sharon xx

  • Clare
    6 years ago

    Omg, that is so lovely. I am so sorry for your loss though I can not imagine. My husband lost his sister 3 years ago. Grief has changed my life definitely for the better, as I now rather than wait for tomorrow to do the things I want, I try to do them today.

  • Alex Donnelly
    6 years ago

    Oh Rosie thank you so much for the kind words, I am so sorry you've had to go through a loss but I am glad that you were able to identify with this post a little. You sound incredibly strong and kind despite it all x

  • Polly
    6 years ago

    Beautiful words. Grief changes us so much, yet i do think we can let it change us for the better ?

  • Alex Donnelly
    6 years ago

    Thanks so much for reading Jolene, I know you've been through a very tough loss so I'm glad you were able to identify a little, it's goof to know we're not alone in all of this xx

  • Rosie
    6 years ago

    One of the most beautiful things I have ever had the pleasure of reading on grief. Thank you for sharing your story & pain. I am still crying. For me, grief made my faith even stronger & shifted how I view people and the world. I now draw close to people in their need x

  • Jolene
    6 years ago

    Lovely words Alex ? You are such an inspiration! Grief is by far the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with... and I totally agree that it changes how you view life from the very second you lose that person so special to you.
    I really enjoy reading your blog...keep them coming xx

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